No more hissy-fits. My brain is back to normal (for me)
but don't ask me for def'ns or it could just scramble
before your very eyes ...I thnik ist satrtnig......
Despite the last week’s aberration, by Sunday I was ready
to cast the blanket of doom aside and venture forth with
the Saturdays Catch-Up that I’d failed to write
The going was rockier than usual, lacking the flow I had come
to expect (and sometimes worried about), as my brain hooked
up with a renegade thought and run with it wherever it led.
These thoughts were invariably too dumb to speak aloud to
human people, but okay to share with the Dragon who has no
conscience when he spells the words out to any poor passing
reader. Yet, I managed to complete Sunday – Tuesday, albeit to
an even more basic state than it was/is now. I actually felt a lot
better by the evening, although I obviously
had little to show for my endeavours.
I honestly haven’t yet worked out why I worry about this scheduled
rambling of mine. I assume it must be something to do a with a
peculiar blend of ego, pride and masochism that they didn’t teach
about in schools when I was young enough to attend. I suppose with
all the cutbacksthose classes will soon be history, leaving the next
generation just as muddled as I am.
Monday was simply an extension of Sunday with a touch more
tenacity from the word go. That is to say, I not only started with
the best intentions but turned thought into reality by getting onto
the computer and staying there for most of the day. I even managed
to subdue the distant cheeping of Twitter in my ears and the
Olympics from running amok in my mind for long enough to
complete the task, though not before spending far too much time
going over what was already writ, therefore putting myself under
greater pressure if I was to avoid dragging it on for another day.
The quality of the finished project was another matter of course, but
the fact that it was finally finished, for the moment seemed to
The most notable occurrences of Tuesday were wobbly-world
orientated. Firstly, two pairs of ferrules arrived by post – 1pr
pink the 2nd mauve. I was hoping when I placed the order that the
picture of the second had been accurate and the description of the
colour an error. (That was a lie. I had hoped that it had been a colour-blind
man who had written the description, which was sexist and prejudicial
and obviously wrong in every sense). I can’t remember why I ordered the
pink ones, unless maybe because they looked quite pretty (for ferrules)
and I hadn’t seen any like them before. As it happens there very
presence gave me the idea to spray the boring looking grey but more
useful enclosed elbow crutches with one of the several super tough,
outdoor pink spray paints that I bought cheaply from a DIY store last
winter and haven’t yet used. I still haven’t used any yet, and as for the
ferrules, they seem too small for the job. However, I do have many
sticks of different styles and colours that I can match at least one
of each pair to, making them look much smarter as they all hang,
patiently in couples from the open end of each stair, not realising
that their wait could be now be indefinite.
On Wednesday I actually woke up wanting to take on a challenge,
and although a quick look around the house and garden should
(could) have inspired me sufficiently that I’d never need look again,
I haven’t survived 55 years without learning my limitations and to
recognise traps I’ve set myself... well I definitely wasn’t going to
fall for that trap anyway. So I put all the domesticy things out of
my head, which was quite easy, and refocused my attention on my
website, specifically to updating it. I gave some consideration to
turning these Catch-Ups into blog form as I noticed an invitation at
the back of my site for me to click if I wanted to build a blog. I don’t
know what stopped me doing so, but I am so pleased that managed
to control both my typing fingers on that occasion as clicking would
almost certainly have secured me a blog but lost me the website.
So no new ideas but back to re-vamping the old and weary ones...
Checked the Homepage – looked a mess but the links worked and I
needed to sit and think about the layout another time. 'About Me'.
UGH. Read it through. UGH again. Did I really write that? I understand
now why people get other people to do the bio for them – or at least
write it third person, giving themselves a bit of distance. My problem is,
I’ve only told three or four people I know anything at all about this, my
ongoing screenplay, the website, that I tweet or anything really, and
then only when I lost it over the internet harassment or whatever
went on earlier in the year - so it was never going to be anyone but
me penning it.
I was being silly and procrastinating. Again. It needed updating, so
I bit the bullet and got on with it. Unfortunately the
subsequent heartburn put an end to any further revision that day.
Okay. Another day, another challenge. I hadn’t got very far on Wednesday
but neither had I failed, not completely anyway. I was still stinging a bit at
the thought of the previous day’s revision, so decided to change track and
confront physical deficiencies as they had been staring, scornfully back at
me from glass doors and unavoidable mirrors for months, if not years (“more
like a decade” – “shut-up!” ). There was plenty of scope, but I had to stay
focused and ‘real’, whatever that meant.In my sitting room I have a machine
that you can stand on, set to various... settings, before having your body
thoroughly vibrated for between 30 seconds to 5 minutes at a time. There
is an explanatory sheet of paper that came with the equipment showing a
contortionist laying, leaning and balancing in positions on and adjacent to
the machine that hurt me even to contemplate but, to show willing and with
much effort as it is very heavy, I pulled the contraption out further into the
room, ensuring it's new resting place was even more perfect for use than
before, ready for the very moment enthusiasm for fitness grabs me as I
know it will very soon. Until that point... the square bit you stand on, being
close to the floor (where I sometimes write 'freehand', it is very useful for
keeping my screenplay notes & research on.
Around this time I notice the second piece of equipment; this one bought
online maybe 2 years ago and hidden from sight and mind for most of its
life. The piece looks similar to a child’s wheelless scooter when unfolded,
but when I placed my feet on the footplates and tried to unilaterally coerce
them up and down the tracks whilst hanging on for dear life to the child-
sized centre bar, there is nothing innocent about the agony it causes or
childlike about the thoughts that filled my head and overflowed out of my
As soon as I was able I moved ‘the thing’ back behind the armchair, out of
sight and quite happily back out of my mind. Well, can you blame me after it
behaved like that? It really did let itself down badly... I'll have to seriously
consider its future..
I woke up very annoyed with myself. I was due to go out with a friend
around lunchtime and to visit my mother with my son late that afternoon.
With depressing clarity, the most popular kind I find, I looked back over my
shoulder and saw all thewasted time of the last 7 days dancing merrily on
the grave of what could have been achieved. I needed to dye my roots and
decided to also tint my eyebrows and lashes at the same time. For some
reason I decided to start with the latter which seemed logical at the time,
though I can’t recall how. It resulted in the eyebrow product remaining on at
least 4 xs longer than it should have – though fortunately no lasting damage
was done. It would definitely have been worse had I also applied it to my
eyelashes as intended, rather than just poking myself in the eye prior to starting,
rendering me tearfully incapable of carrying out that part of the plan.
The hair dye I used this time was the packet containing the twin halves of
1 boring and 1 vivid colour that I had used the previous time. Quantities
were of course guessed, a point that I had given no thought to until I began
to mix the ingredients together. Another point to slip my mind was the possibility
– the reality as it happened – that the colouring agent in the tube (as opposed
to the other agent which was a liquid and in a plastic bottle), might have changed
consistency and become less inclined to mix.
As with previous days, it wasn’t a total disaster. In fact, when finally visiting my
mother, the comment was made that my hair was still sort of red, but now it was
blended with darker patches. Well surely that’s good. People pay a fortune in hair
salons for highlights and lowlights and streaks and things, don’t they?
You know, I can be so self-doubting sometimes. There were a couple of occasions
on the way back from visiting my mother when I caught my son looking at my
eyebrows with a glazed expression on his face and for a split second... but he was
sure to have just been distracted by something or someone we passed along the way.
Naturally most of today has been taken up with the deep thought,
meditation and whatever else it takes to produce literature of this
quality... Oh that’s it – I stopped briefly at midday to try for the
umpteenth time to fit the outdoor washing-dryer-whirligig into an
heavy,ornate but redundant garden umbrella stand, then find a way
to get it to stay open long enough to hang washing on it before
the weather breaks again tomorrow.
For all other evidence, please read the above.
As alwasys, thank you for stopping by any I wish you well on your journey through the next
7 days.Should you be interested in reading any of the previous weeks ramblings, please use
links under the logo at the top of this page.