The Time of Life..
During the week I caught a glimpse of an image of myself on Facebook that shamed me, saw a side of me that showed no tolerance for people's views if they oppose my own, not even those of old friends; I seemed to have begun thinking that anybody not feeling exactly the same way as I do about every example of prejudice, inequality or abuse must then automatically be condoning it all, which of course I know to be untrue. In short, I had become the supercilious idiot that I dread being in the vicinity of.
None of this is news. Most people who know me are already aware that I’m an idiot and those who know me best know that I know I’m one... but this ugly reflection got me thinking. Aside from this (hopefully) momentary lapse into pig-headedness I had started to change, becoming quite a dichotomy soon after hearing my PPMS diagnosis some years ago. I decided that I would waste no more of the time I had left on watching, reading or listening to anything violent. Of course that was too hard to keep to completely, but my intake of nasty media has decreased considerably.
However, alongside but quite separate from that, I have found myself becoming more angry, more quickly more often than ever before over any injustices that I hear or read about. Sometimes to the extent that (alone) I am shouting at the computer or TV on the verge of frustrated tears; impotent to do anything worthwhile. The feeling is more than that of frustration and not limited to the situations I have mentioned, although I only registered that two days ago. I was finishing my online Xmas shopping for the day when one of the sites asked me if I wanted to buy this clock. The face of it so panicked me I was in no doubt that this was that same feeling again, but brought on by morbid thoughts of time running out and that when I go I’ll have left nothing good apart from my son, who isn’t yet ready to be left.
By yesterday I seemed to have grown up a bit and pulled myself together as I could view the dial objectively. What if there only were lots of Now’s? Or just one Now that was repeated until we got it right, or so wrong that nature gave up on us? I think the former is more likely... it could account for the increasing difficulty people have in getting back on track having originally messed up. Of course it would take a monumental, universal leap of faith to follow through with the idea, laying histories and futures aside. Which country would like to take the lead, I wonder?
I seem to have gone off the point. What was I saying? Got it, I’m an idiot... but I expect you already knew that.
Thank you for dropping in. Please come back soon - previous weeks ramblings can be found and clicked on under the Logo.