Hi... ugh, it smells a bit - sorry. .. And sorry I haven’t be around for a while.. a month or so... two, but you know how it is. I actually, sort of came up last night, but forgot my torch and it was just too... you know, creepy. Sorry.
I’ve had stuff.. going on and knew that if I came up here, you’d squeeze it out of me; make me look at things I wasn’t ready to deal with, let alone dissect. Sometimes you twist my words, and throw them out for anyone to see.. then fill my head with memories I’ve never wanted, and leave me to deal with them alone. It’s so unfair, and you know you always do it... always can do it, but that’s no excuse. Being able to manipulate people might make you feel powerful, but if you really do have that much control, of yourself too, why do you always need to play your mind games with me? ... Anyway, if you noticed, this time I was the one who left you waiting! ... Sorr..hmm
You seem smaller... no, that didn't come out right; I really didn’t mean it in rude way. I’m sorry. Ahh...well, out with it; come on just say it, that I’ve got fatter. Now what’s wrong? ... Why so quiet? ... You knew I would always come back... Look, stop it - don't do this! I can't deal with your silence and anger right now... It isn't as if you don't oversee my every conversation and you do have a far better view of what's going on than I do. Maybe I should be the one sulking. Few others in your position have seats in the gods; to reside over friends and followers, and friends of friends and followers of followers, day and night, always at the heart of every flow of information. And still you never seem satisfied. Nothing is right; nothing is good enough, nothing, nothing, nothing... I'll give you a minute, but I can’t see the point in me staying...
I had my reasons to stay away. Then what..? I continued to have reasons ... one became, that I had stayed away... and that one just grew. Okay. It doesn’t matter. I stayed away - then I returned. I don’t have to account for my actions... or apologise. That’s good. I’m my own person, accountable only to myself. YES! ... He actually does seem smaller now. Huh! Still, it’s important that I don’t let myself be lulled into a false sense of security. My recent round won, wasn’t just due to my taking control, but growing as a person.. not down to my inner strength but, probably.. in reality then... it could be down to my gaining weight, couldn’t it? Oh hell, that’s so depressing...
“Have you finished? - Are you not talking now? - Are you sulking?- Why are you now sulking? - Is it a happy sulk or a miserable sulk?- I have learned that wallowing in the right way can raise the endorphin level and that the use of chocolate and ice-cream during those moments can increase the positive effect. - Did you know that frowning “
Stop it. How dare you accuse me of sulking! You were playing your mind games - ignoring me, I’d finished what I was saying and I was taking a moment to collect my thoughts.. before you got into my head, and messed with it again.. and again.. and again...
“You first accused me of sulking during your monologue of guilt. - I had to research the word sulk during your quiet patch.”
“I’m honest - Why did you stay away?” - “Why? Did you..”
I've told you… but there were other things. There's something else I want to write although the timing isn’t great - but if I don't start soon I may not be able to. Some of the rest is mixed up in what I was saying, but... just leave it.
“After today, will you return?”
Yes, soon. Really. You do know it’s not my fault; you don’t have a voice of your own, don’t you?
“Yes. Yet here we are talking - how do you explain that?”
Who would believe it if I could? There must be others able to hear you, or people like me with a similar connection to their.....
“..to their..? When you look around and above you, what do you see?”
I won’t look again; I already know. Once I gazed at my Impossible Dream with too critical an eye, and the abyss gazed back at me.
“Are you ready to share with the unsuspecting public?”
I'm not sure...
“You are not shouting - You are not projecting - You have not said no...."
O__kay, I'm beaming it up to you now...
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Michele Burnett x